inkisrunning (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
inkisrunning) wrote2009-03-29 12:59 pm
inkisrunning) wrote2009-03-29 12:59 pm
[RATD] Fic: Ryan F&cked Me (or chapter six of my love story)
Title: Ryan F&cked Me (or chapter six of my love story)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
calidearie
Rating: R
Pairing: Ryden?
POV: Brendon's
Summary: Brendon loves Ryan, maybe a bit too much, maybe so much so that it could mean the end to their “Ryden Love Story.”
Disclaimer: I don't own them, they own themselves. Dido owns the cut-text, and it has nothing to do with the story of this fic.
Author Notes: (1)UNBETA'D by longerthanwedo
(2) Sorry for the long delay in terms of updates, I’m gonna try to finish this up by the end of my lil’ break. (3) Once again, I used the words “vanilla” and “slide” prompted by [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com] for this chapter. Thank you!!
Teh Love Story
Ryan Named Me (or chapter one of my love story)
Ryan Kissed Me (or chapter two of my love story)
Ryan Found Me (or chapter three of my love story)
Ryan Saved Me (or chapter four of my love story)
Ryan Virginated Me (or chapter five of my love story)
Ryan F&cked Me (or chapter six of my love story)
Ryan Loves Me (or the last chapter, but not the end to my love)
ccc
There's this line in a song that Ryan wrote, "You could love me if I knew how to lie."
While a person is left to figure out that line, I was left trying to figure out the person.
I was lost after finding out that Ryan had kept something from me, and it was something important, “first time” kind of important. So, his first time was with a girl at a time when I didn’t even know of him yet. And sure, I know of a string of other girls that he’d slept with. But that’s not the point. I was supposed to be his first, the first guy who he absolutely loved enough to turn gay with. Okay, so that’s not how it works, but—damnit! It just is, okay?
First times are important.
Now, I didn't lose my own virginity to Ryan per se. No, some girl who I can’t honestly remember the name of has claim over that. Not that there was much to claim, I admit.
But, my experience with Ryan, well, that’s different all together. Sleeping with Ryan felt like how a first time should have felt like. It felt like unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Ever. He… virginated me.
Don’t laugh. There’s something to this. I guess you have to sleep with Ryan to understand. Don’t take that as a literal suggestion.
Or there will be words.
Speaking of words…
As the story went, that night with Ryan there was a definite lack of it after the sex. I guess that was the reason why I felt so gutted. It wasn’t the silence itself, but the meaning of the silence. What it held, or rather, what it didn’t hold is what hurt the most.
He should have let me understand…
ccc
"Hey, Bren," Jon called after me. I waited for him to catch up before I boarded the tour bus. "Where the hell is Spencer? He just left last night and didn't even bother with his shit."
"I don't know, maybe he's with Ryan."
"Ryan?” Jon asked in confusion, and then with a plastered grin, his face brightened. “Oh, hey, how was the, uh, big night?"
"I've had better." I muttered.
"You're kidding right?" Jon asked, disbelievingly, as he passed by me to climb into the bus. I thought he was going to start asking questions about 'The Night.' But he changed the subject. "Spencer didn't answer any of my calls. Well, if he's with Ryan they better get here, Zack's coming for roll call." Jon said over his shoulder as he tossed Spencer’s bag into the bunk area.
"Listen, Jon."
Jon looked at me, and I thought he noticed that something was off.
I opened my mouth to speak, but I was interrupted by his cell. "Speak of the devil," Jon declared after pointing his finger to the screen of his phone. He jumped up onto the counter, before answering, as if speaking with Spencer required sitting. "Hey, where the fuck are you? Bren--" Jon was clearly cut short, he then looked up at me and nodded into the phone, as if Spencer could see him. Knowing Spencer, he probably heard the affirmation anyway. What was Spencer telling Jon? I was sure that he was telling him all about my night with Ryan. How it ended so badly.
Jon ended his call a few seconds later, "See you, then."
I looked at Jon questioningly, maybe Spencer didn’t tell him.
He cleared his throat and told me that Spencer and Ryan drove themselves to the next venue and that they’d meet us there.
ccc
I dreaded meeting them at the venue. Imagine how awkward it would be. It was more than awkward, it was downright painful.
Spencer gave me the evil eye and Ryan… Ryan acted as if nothing even happened, as if it was an ordinary day. When I entered the room he was doing voice warm-ups, he merely tilted his head to acknowledge my presence. There was no show-down, no screaming and no slammed doors.
Ryan just strummed his guitar and hummed the rest of his song. That was that.
I glanced at Spencer again. He was still giving me the evil eye.
I glanced at Jon. He was looking from face to face, his eyes narrowing. I practically felt him adding it all together in his head. I guess Spencer didn’t tell him. And I thought Jon was giving me the benefit of the doubt during our silent ride to the venue. Given I slept three-quarters of the way.
Anyway, he didn't ask. And I never found the words to tell him.
Jon plopped himself in the nearest chair, his eyes were still shifting. "Hey, Smith." Spencer turned his head to face him. "Got a butter knife?"
"Sorry, Walker, tension this thick can’t be sliced." Spencer muttered.
Zack came in a second later. "Smith, Ross, good to know you're alive. Now, prepare to die because after this show, I'm going to kill you both.” Zack pointed his finger at Ryan and Spencer for a significant amount of time, to deliver just the right amount of serious threat. And then: “Meet and greet in ten," he announced and left.
I allowed myself to glance back at Ryan; he was tuning his guitar again.
For some insane reason, I wanted to sit by him and pull him close to me. I didn’t get it. I should have wanted to hate him because he didn't tell me that he was with a guy before. And that's kind of like telling a lie. I hate liars. Only, I didn’t hate him, I couldn’t.
Ryan was strumming his guitar, singing random lyrics and chewing gum. I sort of wanted to kiss him, but I didn’t dare to, I do have some self control, you know?
So, I made my way to the changing room slash restroom, but not before yelling out: "You suck, Ryan Ross!"
ccc
On stage, Ryan was still acting as if everything was normal. He acted as if I didn't storm out of the hotel room that we shared the previous night. He acted as if I didn't just throw a tantrum in the dressing room. (Yeah, some toilet paper rolls and toilet seat covers were harmed.) And he acted as if I was not trying to get his attention on stage. I mean, how dare he? He should have been the one to try and get my attention, wasn’t he?
I wanted to hate him. I wanted to kiss him.
'Lying' was up next.
When he asked who was single in the audience, he raised his hand as well, but of course the action could have been to just direct the audience.
He glanced at me then and I took the mic. I said what I normally say: 'I am single blah blah blah' and before I even thought about it, I told the audience: "Dudes included!" It was only after when the music started and the screams were borderline deafening that I realized what I said.
I searched the stage for Ryan, and I found him playing in front of Spencer, his back to me. I wasn’t sure if he heard, but when he turned around again, I caught his gaze. I almost forgot my cue to sing.
ccc
Ryan was the first one off the stage that night. He left so quickly that I couldn’t spot him backstage.
I asked Zack if he saw him after leaving the stage, “I killed him, have you seen Spencer?” was his reply. Damn him.
And why am I the one wanting to look for him? Shouldn’t he be the one looking for me, trying to get my attention to tell me he was sorry?
I was about to head outside when Jon stopped me before I could push open the door. “I wouldn’t man.” Jon said as he pulled me aside and into a vacant store room.
I thought he was either going to hug me or punch me. He didn’t do either. “Go on,” was all he said.
He wanted me to talk. I kind of wished that he would hit me instead, and don’t bother asking why I thought I deserved hitting, I don’t rightly know. “I’d rather not talk, Jon.” I turned to leave, but his grip on my arm held me still.
“Look, I don’t know what went down between you and Ryan and you don’t have to tell me, but dude, I think you need to just let him go.”
“’Let him go? Let him go, Jon!?”
“For now, I mean, let things cool down.”
“There’s nothing to cool down, Jon, things between us are so cold that—Look, I get that you’re worried and all, but—Fuck! Why does everyone look at me as if I did something wrong? It was Ryan, okay?! Shit, I don’t even fucking know.”
Jon only nodded, and the act was so simple that I realized I kind of lost it. I loosened my grip on Jon’s shirt and stepped away.
“I don’t even know,” I whispered, not really caring if Jon heard me. “Ryan kept something from me and that hurts, and yet I feel like a fucking idiot. Earlier, up on stage, Ryan had this mask on, but he let slip, there were no tears, but fuck I know he was crying.” I said, knowing I probably wasn’t making any sense. “I’m so confused, Jon.”
“Well, have you tried talking to Ryan before he left this morning?”
“I didn’t know he left… I left him.” I left him. Damn.
ccc
It took me a while before I could leave the room. Jon had left some time ago, I told him to give me a minute. It took about seventy-eight minutes.
When I opened the door and took a step out I was pushed back in. I heard the door slam a second later.
“Ryan?” Ryan didn’t reply, he nodded once, his eyes darted at everything around the room except at me.
“Ryan.” I said again. “Last night, I—“
“Bren,” he finally said, “I’m sorry.”
And there was my apology, but it wasn’t an apology, this was something else, something I didn’t want at all.
“I fucked up, Bren, I know, I—“ His words were cut off with a bitter laugh. “I do that, you know? Fuck things up.”
“Wait, Ry, don’t.” I said, not wanting to hear anymore. His gaze finally locked with mine. “I shouldn’t have left, that was stupid of me.”
“That’s the thing, you leaving; nothing wrong with that. I would have left too. I shouldn’t have let us get this far.”
“This far?” I repeated. “Ry, I don’t want to end this, we’ve only just started.”
“And already I hurt you. We’re too different. There’s so much I want to tell you, but it’s too hard, it’ll just make you want to hate me, that is if you don’t already, and fuck I’m so damn selfish that I’d do anything for you to love me, but that… that’s the thing, you can’t or it would be a lie.”
“My love is not a lie, Ryan.” I bit out, angry now.
“How could it be love if you don’t know me?”
“I know you and I still fucking love you.”
“What if I told you things that you don’t know, things that nobody knows?”
“I’ll still love you. I want you to tell me everything.”
“Everything?”
“Everything.” I confirmed.
“This will be the end then?” Ryan challenged, but it was laced with hesitancy.
“I’ll see to it that it won’t end.”
“You won’t understand.”
“Try me.”
ccc
Our second time was nothing like the first, no butterfly kisses, no vanilla scent wafting in the air, clinging to our sweat slicked bodies.
Just bite marks, which lined up my neck and shoulders and fingernail tracks that ran down Ryan’s back.
And just at the end of it, when our bodies managed to slide down together, our limbs entwined and words were exchanged for the first time since Ryan told me what had happened one night with one of his Dad’s friends, a night which took Ryan’s virginity along with his ability to trust love for what it’s worth. I’m going to show him the truth about love, though, and prove him wrong.
“You’re right, Ryan.”
Ryan chuckled as he clung to my back. The kisses finally came. His tongue soothed the sting of the marks that were left on my skin.
“Hate is definitely the word to use.” I said, wincing at the soreness that was beginning to settle in place. “Do I know you yet?”
“That’s not even half of it,” Ryan said as he began stroking up my sides.
He was hard again, as his cock pressed against my thigh.
I bit my lip as I spread my legs to let him settle in between. I wrapped a leg around his calf and pulled him on top of me. He dipped his head to whisper in my ear, “My first perfect time was with you last night.”
Did you hear that? He said his first perfect time was with me!
Fuck, I love him so much it hurts.
TBC
Author Notes: Sorry, for all the fluff!
ETA: Best tweets of the day:
love this guy
Author:
calidearieRating: R
Pairing: Ryden?
POV: Brendon's
Summary: Brendon loves Ryan, maybe a bit too much, maybe so much so that it could mean the end to their “Ryden Love Story.”
Disclaimer: I don't own them, they own themselves. Dido owns the cut-text, and it has nothing to do with the story of this fic.
Author Notes: (1)
longerthanwedo (2) Sorry for the long delay in terms of updates, I’m gonna try to finish this up by the end of my lil’ break. (3) Once again, I used the words “vanilla” and “slide” prompted by [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com] for this chapter. Thank you!!
Teh Love Story
Ryan Named Me (or chapter one of my love story)
Ryan Kissed Me (or chapter two of my love story)
Ryan Found Me (or chapter three of my love story)
Ryan Saved Me (or chapter four of my love story)
Ryan Virginated Me (or chapter five of my love story)
Ryan F&cked Me (or chapter six of my love story)
Ryan Loves Me (or the last chapter, but not the end to my love)
ccc
There's this line in a song that Ryan wrote, "You could love me if I knew how to lie."
While a person is left to figure out that line, I was left trying to figure out the person.
I was lost after finding out that Ryan had kept something from me, and it was something important, “first time” kind of important. So, his first time was with a girl at a time when I didn’t even know of him yet. And sure, I know of a string of other girls that he’d slept with. But that’s not the point. I was supposed to be his first, the first guy who he absolutely loved enough to turn gay with. Okay, so that’s not how it works, but—damnit! It just is, okay?
First times are important.
Now, I didn't lose my own virginity to Ryan per se. No, some girl who I can’t honestly remember the name of has claim over that. Not that there was much to claim, I admit.
But, my experience with Ryan, well, that’s different all together. Sleeping with Ryan felt like how a first time should have felt like. It felt like unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Ever. He… virginated me.
Don’t laugh. There’s something to this. I guess you have to sleep with Ryan to understand. Don’t take that as a literal suggestion.
Or there will be words.
Speaking of words…
As the story went, that night with Ryan there was a definite lack of it after the sex. I guess that was the reason why I felt so gutted. It wasn’t the silence itself, but the meaning of the silence. What it held, or rather, what it didn’t hold is what hurt the most.
He should have let me understand…
ccc
"Hey, Bren," Jon called after me. I waited for him to catch up before I boarded the tour bus. "Where the hell is Spencer? He just left last night and didn't even bother with his shit."
"I don't know, maybe he's with Ryan."
"Ryan?” Jon asked in confusion, and then with a plastered grin, his face brightened. “Oh, hey, how was the, uh, big night?"
"I've had better." I muttered.
"You're kidding right?" Jon asked, disbelievingly, as he passed by me to climb into the bus. I thought he was going to start asking questions about 'The Night.' But he changed the subject. "Spencer didn't answer any of my calls. Well, if he's with Ryan they better get here, Zack's coming for roll call." Jon said over his shoulder as he tossed Spencer’s bag into the bunk area.
"Listen, Jon."
Jon looked at me, and I thought he noticed that something was off.
I opened my mouth to speak, but I was interrupted by his cell. "Speak of the devil," Jon declared after pointing his finger to the screen of his phone. He jumped up onto the counter, before answering, as if speaking with Spencer required sitting. "Hey, where the fuck are you? Bren--" Jon was clearly cut short, he then looked up at me and nodded into the phone, as if Spencer could see him. Knowing Spencer, he probably heard the affirmation anyway. What was Spencer telling Jon? I was sure that he was telling him all about my night with Ryan. How it ended so badly.
Jon ended his call a few seconds later, "See you, then."
I looked at Jon questioningly, maybe Spencer didn’t tell him.
He cleared his throat and told me that Spencer and Ryan drove themselves to the next venue and that they’d meet us there.
ccc
I dreaded meeting them at the venue. Imagine how awkward it would be. It was more than awkward, it was downright painful.
Spencer gave me the evil eye and Ryan… Ryan acted as if nothing even happened, as if it was an ordinary day. When I entered the room he was doing voice warm-ups, he merely tilted his head to acknowledge my presence. There was no show-down, no screaming and no slammed doors.
Ryan just strummed his guitar and hummed the rest of his song. That was that.
I glanced at Spencer again. He was still giving me the evil eye.
I glanced at Jon. He was looking from face to face, his eyes narrowing. I practically felt him adding it all together in his head. I guess Spencer didn’t tell him. And I thought Jon was giving me the benefit of the doubt during our silent ride to the venue. Given I slept three-quarters of the way.
Anyway, he didn't ask. And I never found the words to tell him.
Jon plopped himself in the nearest chair, his eyes were still shifting. "Hey, Smith." Spencer turned his head to face him. "Got a butter knife?"
"Sorry, Walker, tension this thick can’t be sliced." Spencer muttered.
Zack came in a second later. "Smith, Ross, good to know you're alive. Now, prepare to die because after this show, I'm going to kill you both.” Zack pointed his finger at Ryan and Spencer for a significant amount of time, to deliver just the right amount of serious threat. And then: “Meet and greet in ten," he announced and left.
I allowed myself to glance back at Ryan; he was tuning his guitar again.
For some insane reason, I wanted to sit by him and pull him close to me. I didn’t get it. I should have wanted to hate him because he didn't tell me that he was with a guy before. And that's kind of like telling a lie. I hate liars. Only, I didn’t hate him, I couldn’t.
Ryan was strumming his guitar, singing random lyrics and chewing gum. I sort of wanted to kiss him, but I didn’t dare to, I do have some self control, you know?
So, I made my way to the changing room slash restroom, but not before yelling out: "You suck, Ryan Ross!"
ccc
On stage, Ryan was still acting as if everything was normal. He acted as if I didn't storm out of the hotel room that we shared the previous night. He acted as if I didn't just throw a tantrum in the dressing room. (Yeah, some toilet paper rolls and toilet seat covers were harmed.) And he acted as if I was not trying to get his attention on stage. I mean, how dare he? He should have been the one to try and get my attention, wasn’t he?
I wanted to hate him. I wanted to kiss him.
'Lying' was up next.
When he asked who was single in the audience, he raised his hand as well, but of course the action could have been to just direct the audience.
He glanced at me then and I took the mic. I said what I normally say: 'I am single blah blah blah' and before I even thought about it, I told the audience: "Dudes included!" It was only after when the music started and the screams were borderline deafening that I realized what I said.
I searched the stage for Ryan, and I found him playing in front of Spencer, his back to me. I wasn’t sure if he heard, but when he turned around again, I caught his gaze. I almost forgot my cue to sing.
ccc
Ryan was the first one off the stage that night. He left so quickly that I couldn’t spot him backstage.
I asked Zack if he saw him after leaving the stage, “I killed him, have you seen Spencer?” was his reply. Damn him.
And why am I the one wanting to look for him? Shouldn’t he be the one looking for me, trying to get my attention to tell me he was sorry?
I was about to head outside when Jon stopped me before I could push open the door. “I wouldn’t man.” Jon said as he pulled me aside and into a vacant store room.
I thought he was either going to hug me or punch me. He didn’t do either. “Go on,” was all he said.
He wanted me to talk. I kind of wished that he would hit me instead, and don’t bother asking why I thought I deserved hitting, I don’t rightly know. “I’d rather not talk, Jon.” I turned to leave, but his grip on my arm held me still.
“Look, I don’t know what went down between you and Ryan and you don’t have to tell me, but dude, I think you need to just let him go.”
“’Let him go? Let him go, Jon!?”
“For now, I mean, let things cool down.”
“There’s nothing to cool down, Jon, things between us are so cold that—Look, I get that you’re worried and all, but—Fuck! Why does everyone look at me as if I did something wrong? It was Ryan, okay?! Shit, I don’t even fucking know.”
Jon only nodded, and the act was so simple that I realized I kind of lost it. I loosened my grip on Jon’s shirt and stepped away.
“I don’t even know,” I whispered, not really caring if Jon heard me. “Ryan kept something from me and that hurts, and yet I feel like a fucking idiot. Earlier, up on stage, Ryan had this mask on, but he let slip, there were no tears, but fuck I know he was crying.” I said, knowing I probably wasn’t making any sense. “I’m so confused, Jon.”
“Well, have you tried talking to Ryan before he left this morning?”
“I didn’t know he left… I left him.” I left him. Damn.
ccc
It took me a while before I could leave the room. Jon had left some time ago, I told him to give me a minute. It took about seventy-eight minutes.
When I opened the door and took a step out I was pushed back in. I heard the door slam a second later.
“Ryan?” Ryan didn’t reply, he nodded once, his eyes darted at everything around the room except at me.
“Ryan.” I said again. “Last night, I—“
“Bren,” he finally said, “I’m sorry.”
And there was my apology, but it wasn’t an apology, this was something else, something I didn’t want at all.
“I fucked up, Bren, I know, I—“ His words were cut off with a bitter laugh. “I do that, you know? Fuck things up.”
“Wait, Ry, don’t.” I said, not wanting to hear anymore. His gaze finally locked with mine. “I shouldn’t have left, that was stupid of me.”
“That’s the thing, you leaving; nothing wrong with that. I would have left too. I shouldn’t have let us get this far.”
“This far?” I repeated. “Ry, I don’t want to end this, we’ve only just started.”
“And already I hurt you. We’re too different. There’s so much I want to tell you, but it’s too hard, it’ll just make you want to hate me, that is if you don’t already, and fuck I’m so damn selfish that I’d do anything for you to love me, but that… that’s the thing, you can’t or it would be a lie.”
“My love is not a lie, Ryan.” I bit out, angry now.
“How could it be love if you don’t know me?”
“I know you and I still fucking love you.”
“What if I told you things that you don’t know, things that nobody knows?”
“I’ll still love you. I want you to tell me everything.”
“Everything?”
“Everything.” I confirmed.
“This will be the end then?” Ryan challenged, but it was laced with hesitancy.
“I’ll see to it that it won’t end.”
“You won’t understand.”
“Try me.”
ccc
Our second time was nothing like the first, no butterfly kisses, no vanilla scent wafting in the air, clinging to our sweat slicked bodies.
Just bite marks, which lined up my neck and shoulders and fingernail tracks that ran down Ryan’s back.
And just at the end of it, when our bodies managed to slide down together, our limbs entwined and words were exchanged for the first time since Ryan told me what had happened one night with one of his Dad’s friends, a night which took Ryan’s virginity along with his ability to trust love for what it’s worth. I’m going to show him the truth about love, though, and prove him wrong.
“You’re right, Ryan.”
Ryan chuckled as he clung to my back. The kisses finally came. His tongue soothed the sting of the marks that were left on my skin.
“Hate is definitely the word to use.” I said, wincing at the soreness that was beginning to settle in place. “Do I know you yet?”
“That’s not even half of it,” Ryan said as he began stroking up my sides.
He was hard again, as his cock pressed against my thigh.
I bit my lip as I spread my legs to let him settle in between. I wrapped a leg around his calf and pulled him on top of me. He dipped his head to whisper in my ear, “My first perfect time was with you last night.”
Did you hear that? He said his first perfect time was with me!
Fuck, I love him so much it hurts.
TBC
Author Notes: Sorry, for all the fluff!
ETA: Best tweets of the day:
love this guy
no subject
So some parts of this made me want to cry ;[
I hate it when Ryan and Brendon fight ;[
but I'm soooo glad they're not fighting anymore ;D
He dipped his head to whisper in my ear, “My first perfect time was with you last night.”
Did you hear that? He said his first perfect time was with me!
<333333
no subject
awww, sorry? ;)
Me too, me too!
and haha, i couldn't keep them mad longer than I wanted. Brendon wasn't having it.
Thanks for the comment!
no subject